Do You See Me?

It  is 2008, I’m at a Friday night prayer meeting at a chapel. I sit in the back alone. I am single now. This is sinking in because my thoughts are who would want me? I’m disabled. The evangelist ends the prayer meeting with a call for those needing prayer. I walk up to the front, cane in hand. There are about ten of us lined up across the front of the pulpit area. The man has a bottle of anointing oil, and one by one, he is anointing people’s heads and praying for each one. He begins to prophesy over a few, and then he gets to me. He does the same thing he has done to everyone else but then stops. “Hmm, God wants me to anoint your hands. He has a work for you involving healing.” I start having hope. I’ve been having seizures alone. My legs have been buckling under me. I’ve been slurring my speech. I have death like fatigue. Now, suddenly, I have hope! “He must be going to heal me!” The man goes to dab oil on my hands, and he stops again and says, “He wants me to pour the oil over your hands.” The minister turns to someone behind him and asks for a cloth to catch the oil that drips. He wants to know my name. I’m a bit uncomfortable. Now everyone lined up is staring at me. “Bonnie,” I answer in a whisper.  “Bonnie, can you hold out your palms?” My head is swimming.  My battle weary soul is reminiscent of a cat that’s been electrocuted. I do as he instructs and think, “how in the world can a person with my pasts and my health and brokenness ever do any ministry? The other part of my soul knows this is what my wilderness testing has been for. My immaturity is very much an issue because I think I’m now going to be the strong healed woman that has her own radio show, book release, a platform. I’m still fleshly. I hold out my hands and feel the oil pouring over them. It is surreal. My mind remembers a verse:

See how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity –

2Like the precious oil on the head, Running down on the beard, The beard of Aharon, Running down on the collar of his robes –

3Like the dew of Ḥermon, That comes down on the mountains of Tsiyon. For there יהוה commanded the blessing, Life forever!

Psalm 133.

 

Zayin

Remember my affliction and my homelessness the wormwood and the poison.

I continually remember them

and have become depressed.

Yet I call this to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

ח Cheth

Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish… Lamentations 3

Most of you have heard my TESTIMONY, but if you haven’t, you can listen to part of it Here.

 

About 3 years later:

 

In 2010/2011, a man walked inside a congregation I was the prayer director of. At first sight I found him peculiar in a good way. He was funny and shared a heartwarming story of his time ministering in a prison in South Africa with his friend who had traveled from South Africa to speak with us.

After the message, Many came forward for prayer. Suddenly a couple approached me with a baby who had a heart condition and a scar clear across his tiny chest where surgery had taken place recently. Their tiny baby needed another surgery and had a shunt. They wanted the S. African evangelist to pray for their child. I looked at the line In front of the evangelist and the people waiting for prayer and saw Jeff Manning standing by a book table. I asked the couple if it would be okay if we prayed instead. As I approached Jeff to see if he would join me in prayer for this little one, I noticed it was hard to breathe or look in his eyes. What is this I’m feeling? I heard the Father say, “This is your husband.” I was shocked. “This man? A police officer and pastor?” I Must be losing my hearing, I thought. But the Father knew what I needed and what he needed.

Our first moments together involved praying for a broken heart. How ironic that most our ministry has involved just that, praying for those suffering. It’s hard to pray for the broken with compassion and empathy if you’ve never been broken or crushed.

People with broken hearts find me, and I am so blessed that they do because as the world grows darker, and love waxes colder and colder, we need some people to pray for the brokenhearted, the drug addicts, the molested, the homeless, the porn addicts and broken women who think they can’t be forgiven for having an abortion, for cheating on their abusive spouse, for drinking too much daily. And right now, I am asking you if you would like to pray to have your hands bathed in an anointing. That might not be your calling, but if you are going through the darkest night of the soul, it just might be what the Holy One has called you to do. You won’t always have enough empathy, strength, or feel holy enough. It’s a hidden ministry. It doesn’t come with accolades. You will miss it sometimes and disregard a person walking through the most challenging times of their lives—at other times, you’ll meet the man at the pool in John 5, A man who has been suffering for 38 years. The man has NOT been at the pool 38 years, but he is described as an invalid for that many years.

It was 38 years when the Israelite’s crossed the brook Zered and all the men of war died.

“And the time from our leaving Kadesh-barnea until we crossed the brook Zered was thirty-eight years, until the entire generation, that is, the men of war, had perished from the camp, as the LORD had sworn to them.”

(Deuteronomy 2:14).

 Kadesh Barnea— The Israelites stayed at Kadesh; Miriam, Moses’ sister, died and was buried there (Numbers 20:1). When, at God’s command, Moses sent a man from each tribe to scout out the Promised Land, they returned to report at Kadesh (Numbers 13:26).

 Abarim Publications defined Kadesh Barnea as:

Sacred Desert Of Wandering, Holy Purifying Staggerings

Etymology

From (1) the verb קדש (qadash), to be holy, and (2) perhaps בר (bar), desert or empty field, and (3) the verb נוע (nua’), to stagger or shake.

Hagar’s met with the Angel of the Lord “between Kadesh and Bered” after she was mistreated by Sarah.

“So she named the Lord who spoke to her: “You are El-roi,” for she said, “In this place, have I actually seen the one who sees me? ” That is why the well is called Beer-lahai-roi. It is between Kadesh and Bered.

Hagar felt lost, forsaken and ashamed, but all her sorrow became a testimony. She proclaimed, “You are the GOD WHO SEES ME!” Isn’t it wonderful to be seen? I was talking to a friend recently who was down. She was naming all she needed to change or work on, and then she said, “What will I even be remembered for?” ….

I told her I wanted to do an exercise with her. I would name 5 things she would be remembered for and then she would name 5 things I would be remembered for. I highly suggest doing this exercise with someone you know, a seasoned friend, or the person you spend the most time with. As I began to hold a mirror up to my friend, she began to weep and say things like, “I am a good mother, a loving mother who prays for my children!” I am… Sometimes during introspection, we need a different kind of mirror. When we love ourselves, we often love others much greater. I also suggest finding someone that knows you well and asking them what you need to work on. If you don’t know the person well, and they point out things they think you need to work on, it might now go well. It could lead to you or them feeling guilt and shame and condemnation.

Have you ever felt ashamed after you voiced that you were hurting and dealing with depression? Or you expressed that you were suffering in your marriage, health, or finances in tears to someone you trusted. But then suddenly, the person you told has a plethora of positive remedies. They call others for a deliverance session. They toss a prayer like a salad or pizza pie sprinkled with decrees and declares, and then a hearty, “The Lord will rebuke the devourer for your sake! By His stripes you are healed! No weapon formed against you…” (well, you get the picture) But afterwards, you feel worse—Like a WORM. 

Psalm 22:6 concerning the Messiah says He felt like a worm, “But I am a worm and not a man, A reproach of men and despised by the people.”

Despised.

Have you ever felt like the other people are the strong people in their faith/walk, and you have a deformity? You feel like the blind, lame, disfigured ones who were not allowed to approach the altar. Like the false prophets, the dreamers who were tainted. Like an infection, a WORM? You wish you had never become vulnerable.  You vow never to share anything regarding weakness again because now you feel shame.

Dr. Skip Moen defines shame as this:

Shame wasn’t always determined by lack of popularity, and in the ancient world it wasn’t about an inner self-confidence. 

Perhaps it’s worth recognizing how hard it is to really identify shame.  In the modern West, shame is often associated with an inner sense of worthlessness or a belief that somehow, I am a flawed person. 

“Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises in relation to the perception of having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper.”[2] 

Shame is accompanied by embarrassment, humiliation, and guilt.  You will notice that the definition and the symptoms are internally focused.  Shame is a feeling.  Self-worth is under attack.  Treatment is a psychological issue. The ancient world doesn’t deny the presence of these feelings, but it essentially ignores them.  Why?  Because shame (bôš) in the ancient Semitic world is not about how you feel; it’s about how you’re perceived in the public arena.  Shame is disgrace in public reputation.  You are shamed by actions, not feelings.[1]

 

I’m sipping aloe Vera juice with pulp as I type this. It’s been a minute since I drank this daily for gastroparesis. Right now, my gut can’t handle the foods I need for adrenal health. I’m hoping to try vitamin IV’s, so if you’ve done this let me know how it worked for you. The endocrinologist says my adrenals are shot and now the physician has added a new label to my growing lists, Addisons disease.

Some say,

“Don’t speak it, Bonnie!”

It’s okay, I’m not scared, not living in fear, not wearing a title like a diagnosis.  I don’t need attention. I probably am over stimulated as it is. I feel nothing concerning this as shameful. I’m just sharing with my friends. I know that if I had not went through my journey of becoming sick and disabled at 38 years old, I would have never birthed the books I have or done the difficult research on Satan, angels, demons, sickness or showed Believers that Joy is sitting right next to sorrow, and I would have never crossed the Jordon. Some may look at me like the man who laid there by the pool. Sick for 38 years. Why stay in sickness? No one in their right mind would want to, but Paul only asked 3 times for the thorn to be removed and it was denied because it kept him buffeted. The mightiest prophet in the Bible died in his disease. “And Elisha had become sick with the sickness in which he died.” (II Kings 13:14.

No one is getting out alive.

Why are innocent children dying of cancer? Why did Yeshua only speak to one man at the pool that day? There were many others suffering there. One of my new releases, Spirits Unveiled, answers many of these questions.

 Yeshua/Jesus tells the man not to sin or something worse would happen. Why does He say this to him in the temple? Is this contradictory to the man born blind? “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

³ “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (John 9:2-3).

Possibly, his sickness was brought on himself.

John’s gospel (the last one to be written) is the only one to mention Yeshua’ healing at this pool. It is not said how long the man had lain waiting for healing, only that the malady was 38 years.

Jerusalem 101 has many photos of the pool area and an archeological dig that uncovered what they believe this may be the location of this Bible event. See more HERE

HOWEVER, S. Broberg explains more in his article concerning this man and the pool, and what he believes is the sin this man was committing:

The pools of Bethesda sit just north of God’s Temple in Jerusalem. At the time of Jesus, there was a very popular god of healing named Asclepius. Dr. Eli Lizorkin-Eyzenberg explains in his article The Pool Of Bethesda As A Healing Center Of Asclepius:

Asclepius was the god of medicine and health in ancient Greek religion. The god’s mythical daughters, for example, included the goddesses Hygeia and Panacea. We can hear in their Greek names our modern words for “hygiene” and “panacea” – key concepts associated today with medicine and health. Snakes were a key attribute of Asclepius’s cult of health and healing. Even today, one of the key symbols of modern medicine is a stick with a snake around it.

You can also read about the Asclepion in the book by Jeremias, Joachim. The Rediscovery of Bethesda, John 5:2. New Testament Archaeology Monograph No. 1. Louisville, Ky.: Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, 1966.

Asclepius healed with moving water. At Pergamum (Rev. 2:12-17), there is a huge Asclepion (a hospital), that is situated at the base of the hills at the location of natural springs. You can see photos of the Asclepion at Pergamon here.

Archeologists in Jerusalem discovered evidence of an Asclepion at the Bethesda site. This was not a pagan site, but through the Hellenization of the city of Jerusalem, the worship of pagan gods by Jews made its way into everyday life.

I’m not sure what the sin the man was guilty of. But as a disabled human, I do get upset at times over how people see me. Not the friends who see me. Wasn’t that what Hagar loved, she loved that the God of the heavens did not just see her master Sarai, HE SAW HER! He sees you too. Even if you’ve been mistreated, thrown into the wilderness with nothing, He sees you.

We all have weaknesses. Yours might look different than mine, but weaknesses no less. Many times are weaknesses are our strengths! Paul said”That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (II Cor. 12:10)

  As the Month of Elul approaches, my book The Spirit of Leviathan is excellent for introspection and great for study groups. My shop is now open , so you can purchase books directly from me and I’ve included bundle deals. Click HERE

Part II Coming next Friday

Blessings, Tekoa Manning

 

[1] https://skipmoen.com/2022/07/biblical-social-media/